What Could You Possibly Know About My Dreams?

"I used to think God guided us by opening and closing doors, but now I know sometimes God wants us to kick some doors down." Bob Goff, my main man.

When you work at Disney World, you are brainwashed into believing dreams always come true. You are encouraged to use your imagination and, in my case, begin to question the difference between fantasy and reality. Your reality essentially becomes a fantasy. At first, I was all, "YO MAGIC THIS IS SO RAD DREAMS WOO HOO YEAH MICKEY AND LOVE AND DOLE WHIPS!" and then, about two months in, I was like, "...so, does it ever get cold here? Is it a requirement for Disney cast members to be handsome? Are people really this happy or am I the only one who has an occasional bad day?" And, if we're being real (which we are 'cos I'm writing a blog, y'all), I started to think the Disney mindset was a big joke. I thought that everything was fake. I felt very limited. I wanted the sun to hide behind the clouds for a while and I wanted to stand outside and freeze to death even though I was in Florida. And I wanted to be pissed about it. I wanted that cute boy with the perfect smile to get a zit JUST ONCE(!!!). I wanted people to be real, but I was in a fantasy world.

God placed a dream in my heart, and that dream was to go back to Nashville. I didn't know how I was going to make that happen, which really begun to wear me down. Life is expensive, and Nashville is expensive, and Belmont is expensive...and that's all I could think about. Every day. Expenses. I spent my time trying to make plans instead of trusting Jesus with my dream (the One who GAVE ME the dream). Face palm. I'm not saying we can just sit back when Jesus gives us a dream, but I was focusing too much on what seemed like barriers of mountains when, in fact, they're simply lil' pebbles when I'm walking with my God.  

I was ready to head back into "reality" until, well...a few days ago. Before that, I only wanted to be back in Nashville with my big-hearted friends hugging each other and drinking coffee and being cold sometimes. A few days ago, my sweet Gammy, momma, and sissy came to visit for a quick, beautiful weekend...and I got to experience the "Disney dream" with my loved ones. Very fortunately, I have been to Disney World at least 73 million times, but this time, it was different. I was watching the faces of people believing in magic for the first time in a long time. I was believing, myself, that dreams really do always come true if we have the courage to follow them. I actually believed it for the first time in a long time. I was watching Beauty and the Beast at Hollywood Studios and Belle said, "What could you possibly know about my dreams?" and I CRIED. I cried for the entire remainder of the show because I am a sentimental bundle of estrogen.

What my homegirl Belle said made me think: what does anyone know about my dreams? They don't. These dreams are between me and Jesus. What kind of dream is an "easy" dream? What kind of dream is a dream you can afford? Where's the trust in that? Where's the FUN in that?! When we follow Jesus, the Giver of our dreams, the Lover of our soul, our trust--our JOY--our relationship with Him flourishes into exactly what He has in mind for us. And what I unfortunately tend to forget is that God, through His mighty power at work within us, is able to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW BEAUTIFUL THAT IS?! Our dreams are nothing compared to the glorious dreams He has dreamed for us.

Spirit, lead me where my trust is without borders
let me walk upon the waters
wherever You would call me
take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
and my faith will be made stronger
in the presence of my Savior

Proverbs 13:12-- "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life." I am so thankful that God places dreams in my heart and new mercies every morning to keep me focused on Him and all that He has in store. Finally realizing that the dreams He has given to me will be fulfilled just removes a weight that has been hanging over me far too long. I'll have to work hard to make this happen, but I'll be working with the One who loves and believes in me more than I can fathom. I am beyond excited to be living in Orlando for the next two months, soaking up the "if you can dream it, you can do it" attitude and spending koala tea time with my new friends from all over the world. Jim Elliott once said, "Wherever you are, be all there!" And I will be.

See ya soon, Nashville. Xxo

A Sunday Kind of Love

I think when you're in your twenties, the idea of love becomes overwhelming all of a sudden. Or perhaps, when your heart gets destroyed all of a sudden, love is overwhelming. Maybe love is overwhelming because I spend too much time reading the poems of Pablo Neruda.

Dreaming about a seemingly unrealistic love keeps me hopeful, and focused, 

so I will write.

A Sunday kind of love: a love to last past Saturday night. A Sunday kind of love has been through the chaos and excitement of Friday and Saturday, and craves to stay in bed with you as long as Sunday will allow. A Sunday kind of love is ready to take on the Mondays,Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays with patience and forgiveness. I want a Sunday kind of love that breathes easy and reminds me to do the same. A Sunday kind of love rests on the cool grass and watches the sky change colors in silence that's not quite silence. In the darkest nights, a Sunday kind of love wraps you up when your fears are creeping from under the bed.

The waves crash onto the sand and the salt floats through the thick air onto your vulnerable skin, but a Sunday kind of love mends the cuts. A Sunday kind of love holds tightly to your hand until the world eases its grip. I want a Sunday kind of love that tenderly recollects passionate nights over blueberry pancakes and laughing eyes. A sunrise is nothing in comparison to the compassion that emits from the golden eyes of a Sunday kind of love. When your eyes close from the harshness of the world, a Sunday kind of love encourages you to continue dreaming.

I want a Sunday kind of love that dreams along with me.

Is Separation Necessary for Personal Growth?

If I could kick myself in the mouth, I would do it.

I want to kick myself for starting this blog so late into my college program,

and I want to kick myself for starting this blog at all.

I figured writing a "real blog" would keep me from sounding like an immature bitty via tumblr text posts. I don't know what it is about typing down and throwing out thoughts into the internet, but it feels lovely. Maybe someone needs to read it. Maybe it makes me feel important, like people actually read what I think because they care about my life. Or they're just nosy. Which still means they care. You obviously care. Hi.

My trainer told me two weeks ago to start blogging because I have a lot of feelings that I will want to remember someday, so here I am. Writing to feel and remember and forget. Public writing is strange because it just is. 

I moved to Orlando five months ago at the end of August because yolo. In all seriousness, it truly was a you-only-live-once decision. I get restless when I am in the same place for too long, but doesn't everyone? Some folk have a higher tolerance for leading a boring life, I guess. I loved the one year I spent in college. It was great. My friends in Nashville have the biggest hearts I have ever encountered, but I was stuck. I entered college a sensitive, close-minded psycho (for lack of a better word) and left the same. I was mentally unstable, emotionally unavailable, and depended way too much on other humans. Something was missing. I was.

The past six months have destroyed me. I was abandoned, ripped apart, and crushed. It was partially my fault, but I guess it always is. I essentially had to rebuild myself, by myself. I was alone, but I needed to be. Last year, my writing professor asked, "Is separation necessary for personal growth?" That thought has consumed my mind over the past half-year and all I have to say is, "YES!!!(a million exclamation points!)". All that has surrounded me since birth was stripped away and I was forced to reconstruct myself into the person I want to be. I learned more about myself when there was nothing left, which makes no sense whatsoever when I type it out. But I had to choose for myself, and stand up for truth, and embrace and express my feelings more than I ever had. I love until my heart feels like bursting, I cry until the tears turn into beautiful memories, and I smile until my face hurts because, as cheesy as this sounds, life is too precious to conceal emotions. This quote from Kurt Vonnegut always makes me feel sparkly inside:

"I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, 'If this isn't nice, I don't know what is.'"

I am happy.
I don't think one ever stops growing, but I like where I am at.

You know when everything in your life is rather peachy and you're just waiting for the collapse? That's where I am now. I keep telling that to friends when they ask how I'm doing, and they usually just laugh and agree. Yesterday, a new friend told me, "Maybe you just got out of something awful, but you don't remember because now you're so happy." Perhaps I have just now walked out of the rain and into the sunniest sunshine, but I forgot about the rain because the sun is so bright and warm and forgiving. 

I am thankful for yolo decisions and separation. I am thankful that God has never left my side through it all. I am thankful for His unfailing love, His forgiveness, His patience, and His ability to make all things new.