Joy Worth Having

It is so, so easy to get wrapped up in things that do not matter. 

We begin to get wrapped up in things that seem so important because of the overwhelming, yet fleeting pleasures that they bring. But how often do we feel like we need to seek more, and more, and more… Nothing is ever enough. We always want more. 

I believe that we were created with a desire to succeed. And we were created by a God who wants us to succeed. But when we are finding our joy in finally getting that promotion, or getting invited to that party, or the compliments from that handsome fella we have been hoping would look our way…nothing ever fully satisfies. 

I desired for so long to work for Disney. When I finally started working at Walt Disney World, I desired nothing more than to work in entertainment. When I began my time in entertainment, I desired nothing more than to make certain “friends”, or dance on that stage, because nothing was ever enough.. You get it. You know. And I do not at all think there is anything wrong with ambition. But God has so much more planned for us than anything we could ever grasp with our own hands. When we are so concerned with getting, we are no longer concerned with His giving.

For the past two years, I have been searching for approval constantly in every human around me. I am so sensitive. I analyze every action by those that surround me, making it almost impossible to form relationships of any kind. I am searching for my value in people, which is no place to find value at all. I have been searching for my value in people, when the One who formed me, the One who thinks I am a precious creation, is beside me every moment of every day. He sings over me. He encourages me with gentle whispers…reminding me of His promises, of His Son, Jesus, who died for Me. He died for me, and I am so concerned with getting asked out on a date. 

I am so focused on myself that it is hard to see past my own insecurities and build relationships with those around me. And to be honest, it has made it even more difficult to focus on the one relationship that truly matters. I have been in a standstill. All I want is to be known, but I am exhausted because I am exerting every ounce of energy into making myself greater. 

I grew up in a Jesus-loving community where I probably heard Psalm 139 at least twice a month. And still, all I want is to be known. I’m just going to leave this here…

“O Lord, You have examined my heart

and know everything about me.

You know when I sit down or stand up.

You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.

You see me when I travel

and when I rest at home.

You know everything I do.

You know what I am going to say

even before I say it, Lord.

You go before me and follow me.

You place Your hand of blessing on my head.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

too great for me to understand!

I can never escape from Your Spirit!

I can never get away from Your presence!

If I go up to Heaven, You are there; 

if I go down to the grave, You are there.

If I ride the wings of the morning, 

if I dwell by the farthest oceans, 

even there Your hand will guide me,

and Your strength will support me.

I could ask the darkness to hide me

and the light around me to become night—

but even in darkness I cannot hide from You.

To You the night shines as bright as day.

Darkness and light are the same to You.

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body

and knit me together in my mother’s womb.

Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!

Your workmanship is marvelous— how well I know it. 

You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,

as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.

You saw me before I was born.

Every day of my life was recorded in Your book.

Every moment was laid out

before a single day had passed.

How precious are your thoughts about me, O God.

They cannot be numbered!

I can’t even count them;

they outnumber the grains of sand!

And when I wake up,

You are still with me!”

Psalm 139:1-18

YOU MEMORIZE ME!! Are you kidding me?! 

This.

The only time I really write and post is when my heart becomes overwhelmingly heavy. 

Someone recently was taken from this earth at a young age. That happens every moment. But how earth-shattering is it when the person taken from this earth is someone that you knew… When you stare at their smiling face in an old photo, and suddenly, everything that you have been striving for seems so useless. You just sit and stare at a wall and your heart feels frozen. The world seems suspended in time and all you want is to run to your family and friends and hug them for ever.

God, where are You in this? 

When will this all be the way that You planned? 

How should I feel in the meantime? 

Why am I searching and longing for things that will never make me happy? 

I know that You are what my heart truly longs for. 

I know that You are the Love that my heart has been searching for.

God is so powerful. He could have made us into these robots that just did everything “right”. He could have created us so that the only desires in our hearts were to worship Him. We would never know pain. Isn’t that what God wants? 

But we are free.

“God created things which had free will. That means creatures which can go wrong or right. Some people think they can imagine a creature which was free but had no possibility of going wrong, but I can’t. If a thing is free to be good, it is also free to be bad. And free will is what has made evil possible. Why, then, did God give them free will? Because free will, though it makes evil possible, is also the only thing that makes possible any love or goodness or joy worth having. A world of automata— of creatures that worked like machines— would hardly be worth creating. The happiness which God designs for His higher creatures is the happiness of being freely, voluntarily united to Him and to each other in a ecstasy of love and delight compared with which the most rapturous love between a man and a woman on this earth is mere milk and water. And for that they’ve got to be free…” C.S. Lewis, The Case for Christianity

There are days when I catch glimpses of the Glory of God. My heart is overwhelmed and even if only for a moment, I am able to see myself and the world around me through the eyes of God. 

There are days when I feel so alone, like I am stuck in a dark fog with not even the slightest desire to find my way out.

Bless the moments that we feel You are nearer. 

I guess this is the journey. 

I also guess writing makes me feel held accountable a little bit. 

I just want to live my best life, 

constantly seeking the Joy worth having.

As I Wait For You

Today, I went to a wedding.

I've been to plenty of weddings, but this one was the most special. This was the first wedding I've attended that was a wedding of a dear friend. Weddings are just different when you truly know the bride and/or groom. I know that weddings typically aren't the time you want to think about the past, but I just couldn't help myself. As I watched my beautiful friend walk down the aisle, I thought to myself, "Wow. If only I could go back in time when we were talking in the car about the #boystruggle and tell her about this moment." She is radiant. She is walking down the aisle to join together with a man who completely adores and respects her (this is something I could see just from the look in his eyes as he saw her for the first time and kept his gaze on her the entire ceremony). She had been waiting for this moment. How often do we look at our friends as they are going through tough times and wish that they could see the treasure that they truly are? We just want to hug them, encourage them, and remind them of God's sovereignty.. But how often do we also forget for ourselves that God is faithful? Oh, how faithful He is. He is beyond faithful. That word to me, at this moment, doesn't even seem fitting from the Love I saw and experienced today. God has so much more for us than we could even dream of.

In my ministry school, we did an exercise where we wrote of a time when God was faithful, and tried to remember all of the details. As I was writing, I was blown away by all of the little "coincidences" I noticed. I encourage you all to think of a moment of God's faithfulness and dwell on it. Notice how it begins to not only stay a moment of God's faithfulness, but a movement. I kept thinking, "Oh, well… this happened. But this happened because of this. And that came about because of that one time three years ago.. which wouldn't have happened if…"And when you focus on the movement of God's never-ending faithfulness, it overwhelms you in the best way.

Of course, your life is not always going to be gummi bears and lightning bugs. Of course it's not. But when you realize that everything happening to you is to make you more Christ-like, then it takes a bit of the weight off. I've said this before and I'll say it again: You can follow your heart, and you will be happy with your life. But when you seek God's heart and allow Him to guide your steps, the paths that you walk on with Him (going before, behind, and with you) will bring such an abundance of joy. A joy that I cannot even fathom but I am catching a glimpse of right now because of a friend who was faithful and waited on the Lord. "Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory He will reveal to us later." This wedding was saturated in hope, and the glory of God was so unavoidable. It is a precious moment to watch your friend have her prayers fulfilled after dreaming for so long. It is a miracle that God allows us to find that other human that we can dream along with.

I am inspired by my friends. I am honored and humbled that God allows me to catch glimpses of His glory and power each and every day. He is so faithful. And I am so thankful.

I will wait for You, more than the watchmen wait for the morning.